Lately

I am sitting on the couch drinking peppermint tea. A woolen blanket is draped around my shoulders to keep me warm on a wet and chilly spring night. A little while ago I stumbled into the kitchen feeling stiff from spending two hours curled up on the couch unwinding from another day of Parenting. It took some serious inner coaxing to get started on reigning the chaos of the kitchen. Once the mess was cleared I took some time to stretch. My body feels creaky, letting me know that the past four years of pregnancy, child rearing and breastfeeding, along with neglecting all things diet and exercise, are catching up with me. Changes need to be made.

My daughters are delighting me and driving me crazy. Family ties have been strong in some directions and frayed in others. The strong leave me thankful. The frayed leave me anxious.

G has a passion for words which amazes us all. She will be four in March and right now she is learning to write, writing random letters and asking me what her words say, and learning to read. She spends hours daily crafting. Yesterday she made herself a cello, bow and music stand, all out of paper and sticky-tape. Then she shut herself in the living room and practiced.

E has been crawling since she was five months. Now at thirteen months she is teasing me with her occasional unsupported standing, but prefers to crawl everywhere at high speed and to climb. Her teeth are slow, her eighth tooth is still making it's way through her poor gums a month after first peeking out.

I can smell freshly baked bread. A new skill of mine.
G requested a story this evening 'about a donkey that goes for a walk and nearly gets stuck in a rabbit hole'. She is very in to Winnie the Pooh these days.
E is asleep. She flipped and rolled around in my arms before succumbing to the boob and sleep. She is half crawling half hauling around the house. She pulls herself up on the furniture. Anything to get closer to G's treasures.

I am willing myself to be more aware. Focused. Less selfish. To have more direction. A daily quest I don't quite achieve.

Loving my family but always looking for ways to escape, just for a moment.

E started rolling right on four months. She scoots round the house on her back, yelling when she gets stuck on a chair leg or meets the wall. Sometimes she scoots so hard she flips right over. She is a blessing.

G is fiercely independent. She has learned to draw people. Today she drew a bird who was dressed up as a lemon. She tries out new words like 'correct'. We have our challenging days but so much good. She is a blessing.

I have two daughters, so lucky am I.

I am so glad we added another little person to our family. It feels right. And as I feel myself returning to some semblance of my non-pregnant self I am loving it more and more.  It is fucking hard though!

My challenge is always going to be engaging fully with my family. A habit to be distant that comes from family and a lifetime of shutting things out.

I want to document the wonders that are my children.

Little E is nearly 4 months. Laughing, smiling and chatting away. A chubby little girl who is relaxed who is not too bothered when I need to tend (often!) to her big sister. She is showing a tendency to be left-handed. Teething has begun and means much drool and gnawing. Not yet rolling but moving across the floor on her back at great speed.

G is nearly 3 and full of energy. Always moving from painting (a full body experience), to swimming in the bath, to feeding her dolls with play dough 'chocolate cake'. She has a sweet tooth which worries me. A crazy vocabulary which leads me to think she ought to understand concepts beyond her years.

I am still feeling my way as a parent.

An update for myself

So I'm having another baby. Maniacal laugh.
I am nearly 19 weeks (nearly half way for fucks sake!)
The baby is pushing against my sides constantly. Kicking me if I sit the wrong way. I adore pregnancy.

I am toilet training my two year old. Watching her play with the same lego I played with as a kid, waiting for the inevitable structural disasters and asking her if she needs to wee. She always rolls her eyes and say no.

She has changed so much since I weaned her a few weeks ago. I have changed too. But we both miss it.

I am beginning to wonder how I can possibly parent TWO kids. How?! When I keep forgetting to feed my girl fruit and I have to constantly battle the temptation to put the tv on a little earlier each day. I convince myself that it is because I am pregnant that I am feeling so weary of parenting but I'm not sure that is true.

You know when you work so hard in one area and push ahead in one direction, and then you get to the end and realise that you don't really enjoy doing that thing anymore and so you stop doing but don't really pick anything else up to replace it? Yeah. I think that is where I have been for the last 3 years.

I am listening to a performance of a Bach Suite number 6 for cello. It is so beautiful. But tainted with the thoughts of aching hands, the pain in the arm muscles that seemed to come about half way through, feeling the music racing along and getting faster and faster and gosh I am killing this piece and my arms hurt and I am no good at this why am I doing this again my back hurts so much my shoulder is burning I am holding in so much tension but I don't know how to release it ...

I gave up cello 3 years ago. I let the skills I had spent the last 13 or so years developing fade. With it went some of the negativity. But not all of it.

3 years later I am still trying to figure out what to do. I have become a mum (being a mum is easier than being a musician) I have sewed and gardened, knitted and cooked. But I still feel lost, without a direct skill which I put my all in to. 

...

Today

Carrying my baby on my back, feeling her weight shift and she cranes her neck to see over my shoulder, I walk through the market. Navigating my way around clusters of distracted people, I enjoy being among people again. Talking, laughing, feeling my identity as a mum. Strong and independent.

A few minutes of peace. Some muesli slice and an unsatisfactory hot chocolate. Eavesdropping.

...

I am always distracted. Always tired. Always looking for ways to find the balance and the stimulation I need to keep moving forward. I don't feel whole yet.

...

I can see why people write!
x x x 

Yesterday was a triumphant day for me.

I drove a car.
I played a game of scrabble.


I have my well-reasoned (or so I believe!) excuses for not learning to drive. I love to walk. Too many cars driven in the world. I just don't want to.

The most honest reason is fear. The idea of being in control of a car is terrifying. The level of concentration required is daunting. Having people watching me while I try to do something tricky is a very unpleasant thought.

But driving seems like a good way of getting some independence.
And it was fun.



I used to play scrabble with mum. Usually I was given advantages like doubling my score. I would lose miserably. I can be a very bad loser.

Games make me feel dumb and grumpy. I have never played scrabble with Alex because I knew I would lose and then be in a foul mood. For some reason (perhaps it was the gin?) last night I felt relaxed enough to play.

I didn't just play a game of scrabble.
I won a game of scrabble.
Lesson learned.



Today was just as grand.
Clothes shopping without the self-hating. Its a beautiful thing.