Lately

I am sitting on the couch drinking peppermint tea. A woolen blanket is draped around my shoulders to keep me warm on a wet and chilly spring night. A little while ago I stumbled into the kitchen feeling stiff from spending two hours curled up on the couch unwinding from another day of Parenting. It took some serious inner coaxing to get started on reigning the chaos of the kitchen. Once the mess was cleared I took some time to stretch. My body feels creaky, letting me know that the past four years of pregnancy, child rearing and breastfeeding, along with neglecting all things diet and exercise, are catching up with me. Changes need to be made.

My daughters are delighting me and driving me crazy. Family ties have been strong in some directions and frayed in others. The strong leave me thankful. The frayed leave me anxious.

G has a passion for words which amazes us all. She will be four in March and right now she is learning to write, writing random letters and asking me what her words say, and learning to read. She spends hours daily crafting. Yesterday she made herself a cello, bow and music stand, all out of paper and sticky-tape. Then she shut herself in the living room and practiced.

E has been crawling since she was five months. Now at thirteen months she is teasing me with her occasional unsupported standing, but prefers to crawl everywhere at high speed and to climb. Her teeth are slow, her eighth tooth is still making it's way through her poor gums a month after first peeking out.

I can smell freshly baked bread. A new skill of mine.
G requested a story this evening 'about a donkey that goes for a walk and nearly gets stuck in a rabbit hole'. She is very in to Winnie the Pooh these days.
E is asleep. She flipped and rolled around in my arms before succumbing to the boob and sleep. She is half crawling half hauling around the house. She pulls herself up on the furniture. Anything to get closer to G's treasures.

I am willing myself to be more aware. Focused. Less selfish. To have more direction. A daily quest I don't quite achieve.

Loving my family but always looking for ways to escape, just for a moment.

E started rolling right on four months. She scoots round the house on her back, yelling when she gets stuck on a chair leg or meets the wall. Sometimes she scoots so hard she flips right over. She is a blessing.

G is fiercely independent. She has learned to draw people. Today she drew a bird who was dressed up as a lemon. She tries out new words like 'correct'. We have our challenging days but so much good. She is a blessing.

I have two daughters, so lucky am I.

I am so glad we added another little person to our family. It feels right. And as I feel myself returning to some semblance of my non-pregnant self I am loving it more and more.  It is fucking hard though!

My challenge is always going to be engaging fully with my family. A habit to be distant that comes from family and a lifetime of shutting things out.

I want to document the wonders that are my children.

Little E is nearly 4 months. Laughing, smiling and chatting away. A chubby little girl who is relaxed who is not too bothered when I need to tend (often!) to her big sister. She is showing a tendency to be left-handed. Teething has begun and means much drool and gnawing. Not yet rolling but moving across the floor on her back at great speed.

G is nearly 3 and full of energy. Always moving from painting (a full body experience), to swimming in the bath, to feeding her dolls with play dough 'chocolate cake'. She has a sweet tooth which worries me. A crazy vocabulary which leads me to think she ought to understand concepts beyond her years.

I am still feeling my way as a parent.