You know when you work so hard in one area and push ahead in one direction, and then you get to the end and realise that you don't really enjoy doing that thing anymore and so you stop doing but don't really pick anything else up to replace it? Yeah. I think that is where I have been for the last 3 years.

I am listening to a performance of a Bach Suite number 6 for cello. It is so beautiful. But tainted with the thoughts of aching hands, the pain in the arm muscles that seemed to come about half way through, feeling the music racing along and getting faster and faster and gosh I am killing this piece and my arms hurt and I am no good at this why am I doing this again my back hurts so much my shoulder is burning I am holding in so much tension but I don't know how to release it ...

I gave up cello 3 years ago. I let the skills I had spent the last 13 or so years developing fade. With it went some of the negativity. But not all of it.

3 years later I am still trying to figure out what to do. I have become a mum (being a mum is easier than being a musician) I have sewed and gardened, knitted and cooked. But I still feel lost, without a direct skill which I put my all in to. 

...

Today

Carrying my baby on my back, feeling her weight shift and she cranes her neck to see over my shoulder, I walk through the market. Navigating my way around clusters of distracted people, I enjoy being among people again. Talking, laughing, feeling my identity as a mum. Strong and independent.

A few minutes of peace. Some muesli slice and an unsatisfactory hot chocolate. Eavesdropping.

...

I am always distracted. Always tired. Always looking for ways to find the balance and the stimulation I need to keep moving forward. I don't feel whole yet.

...

I can see why people write!
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